Fist F👊
Fist F����ck Yourself 2018 was the seventh Fist F����ck Yourself event, taking place on March 11, 2018. The event was highlighted by The Red Head defending the World Heavyweight Championship against The Red Head, Laugh Like Pee-wee winner Chance putting his Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV championship opportunity on the line against Goldberg, and an Elimination Chamber match to determine a new Intercontinental Champion. __TOC__ Background As Dynamite Derek was potentially closing in on completing his year-long journey back to the World Heavyweight Championship, The Red Head covertly cashed in his Money in the Bank contract and rolled up the hungry challenger to become the new title-holder. With the championship now in his grasp, The Red Head guaranteed that he would main event Diaz's Fuck Fest for the first time in his career. But the road to the Fest took a bizarre turn for the new champion when another Red Head emerged to accuse the masked man holding the title of being an impostor and that he was the one who won last year's Money in the Bank Ladder match. The Red Head holding the gold rejected these claims, pointing out that he has been accused of being a doppelganger since he returned to SvR06. Considering he held an identical briefcase to the one that was cashed in at Laugh Like Pee-wee, the second Red Head had a legitimate claim to a championship opportunity. However, the current holder suggested that if the challenger was truly, objectively The Red Head then he would have no objection to an additional stipulation. The individual who wins will leave with the World Heavyweight Championship, but the loser will be forced to reveal their identity to the world. Two Red Heads, but only one World Heavyweight Championship guaranteeing them the main event of the fourteenth Fest. And on top of it all, one will not only walk away without the title but without their mask as well. Everyone was shocked and awed when the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match kicked off with the unannounced appearance of none other than Goldberg. However, when the second entrant Chance didn't appear when called to the ring, many assumed that he was unable to compete due to the thrashing he had received at the hands of Brock Lesnar earlier. The over-the-top-rope battle raged on, but through it all Goldberg remained until he managed to toss the final entrant Lesnar to the floor and begin his journey to the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest. That was until Chance appeared from under the ring and threw the unsuspecting Goldberg over the top rope and was named the victor. Adding insult to injury, Chance hasn't passed up on an opportunity since to remind everyone that he is the first man in history to start a Laugh Like Pee-wee match and win it, On top of that, it took him the least amount of time to achieve victory. The monumental victory didn't go overlooked by the members of his VIP Section, who provided him with a celebratory shower of champagne and a plethora of high-class ladies.The victory also didn't go overlooked by Commissioner Barkley, who initially congratulated Chance on his achievement. However, Barkley suggested that a performance like the one seen at Laugh Like Pee-wee shouldn't go unrecognized. Therefore, Chance will defend his World Heavyweight Championship opportunity against Goldberg with the winner challenging either The Red Head or The Red Head for the gold. Chance may have bested Goldberg once before at Laugh Like Pee-wee, but this time the two will square off face-to-face. On top of the high stakes on the line, Chance has been proclaiming himself as SvR06's Golden Boy and suggesting that he has his opponent's number. If the war machine known as Goldberg wasn't incensed already, he's sure to be by the time he's unleashed once again. SPOOK managed to keep their word to Number 1-A, Nateflix, by going unseen during his Intercontinental Championship match with Ben Unhinged at Laugh Like Pee-wee when a conveniently-timed power outage allowed an opening for the reigning champion to be beaten down mid-match. Although Nateflix refused to win this way, the injuries sustained in the attack would force Commissioner Barkley to request that Ben Unhinged relinquish the Intercontinental Title while he took time off to recover. Nateflix would ultimately confront Lita about their involvement in the match, while also demanding an apology from her, Sheik, and Winslow. Left with no other choice, Lita apologized to Nateflix. With little hesitation, SPOOK's Number 1 signaled the other two to jump Nateflix and beat him down as they had done to so many before, removing his membership ring once he was down. With SPOOK fractured and the Intercontinental Championship hanging in limbo, Commissioner Barkley was left with the difficult decision of how to determine a new title-holder. Initially, it was Chris Jericho who stepped up to the challenge. The Canuckster claimed that he has been unstoppable for the past year and that he more than deserves a trophy with the prestige of the Intercontinental Championship for his efforts. Barkley informed Jericho that his recent success is truly deserving of recognition and that he'd be happy to name him the new Intercontinental Champion. Jericho celebrated the news and went to grab the belt away. However, Barkley wasn't suggesting that Jericho be rewarded the title but rather he would be one of six men who will enter the Elimination Chamber to determine a new Intercontinental Champion. As well as Chris Jericho, "Macho Man" Randy Savage will enter the Chamber in hopes of both leaving as champion and getting his hands on his rival. Some will enter the Elimination Chamber for the first time, such as Rob Conway. The egotistical competitor quickly targeted fellow competitor Sheamus, suggesting that his complexion implied a sufficient lack of Vitamin D that would hinder him from winning a match of this magnitude. Though he admitted he wasn't a doctor, Sheamus happily prescribed Conway a dose of Vitamin B before laying him out with a Brogue Kick. The competitive nature of the ensemble has also created a somewhat functional alliance between Rob Van Dam and Damaged Wing. The duo managed to prove that they could function well as a team in recent weeks, but The Wacky Watcher reminded his friend that he owes him one after RVD eliminated him from the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. The Elimination Chamber has been a catalyst of opportunity for a number of years, and for these six individuals, it could mean the difference between being in a featured match at Diaz's Fuck Fest or not being featured at all. Brock Lesnar made his in-ring return to SvR06 at Laugh Like Pee-wee, but on a night where names from the past often resurface, no return could have been more unexpected than that of the presumed-deceased Ricardo Diaz. Seeing his partner in crime in the flesh would provide such a shock for The Kingpin that it took him off his game long enough for The Undertaker to seize victory over him. Diaz would explain his absence by confessing that he suspected that he had a target on his back on the fateful night of In My Ass. Unable to shake the feeling, the crafty King of Coke would send a body double out to start his car for him, which was ultimately engulfed in flames. Diaz thanked his long-time partner The Kingpin for seeking justice in his absence, but now that he's back he wants to move on and pick up where the The Kings of Crime left off by taking on the winners of The New Guard and The Shithouses for the World Tag Team Championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV. However, their path to the titles was obstructed by a discontented Brock Lesnar. The ferocious fighter admitted that he didn't care much for unfinished business himself, which is why he wanted another shot at the duo to rectify the events of last year's Fest. Diaz informed Brock that they had nothing better to do until the Fest, and that The Kingpin would be more than happy to kick his ass again. While Fisk was taken aback at being nominated to face Lesnar one-on-one, Diaz put his mind at ease by assuring him that he'll be in his corner the entire time. On the last stop before the fourteenth Fest, Brock Lesnar will seek justice for his loss at the prior year's event. At the same time, The Kings of Crime have something to prove if they intend to challenge the reigning tag team champions at the big event. With the match between Chance and Goldberg set to determine who will challenge one of the two Red Heads for the World Heavyweight Championship, the stage for Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV seemed set. That was until Walter P. Wiley abrasively spoke up. Walter insisted that The Shark was robbed of his championship at Laugh Like Pee-wee and asserted that he should be in the main event of the Fest. Commissioner Barkley acknowledged that The Shark was not pinned to lose his title. However, he wasn't the only one who fell victim to The Red Head's cash-in. With that in mind, Commissioner Barkley declared that The Shark would compete against Dynamite Derek with the winner making the Fest main event a Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship. At any given opportunity, The Shark and Walter would ambush Dynamite Derek in an attempt to gain the upper hand or even bypass their match and head straight to the Fest. Fortunately, before any lasting damage could be done, Dynamite Derek was protected by DEFAULT. The youngest Wiley claimed that Walter and The Shark ruined his dreams of winning last year's Fest main event, and that he isn't going to let them do the same to Dynamite Derek this year. Given their nefarious behavior, Commissioner Barkley reached a decision. To ensure that such a significant match-up remain fair, Barkley evened the odds in Dynamite Derek's favor by naming DEFAULT his tag team partner against The Shark and Walter P. Wiley. Six men have been granted the opportunity to compete in only the second Triple Threat main event in Diaz's Fuck Fest history. The question is, which three will prove to have the strongest will and desire to make it to the big dance? With Diaz's Fuck Fest right around the corner, Ric Flair reflected on the way The New Guard put the old guard out to pasture at last year's event and how they've beaten everyone who has stood in their way ever since. This point was challenged by The Shithouses. The tandem pointed out that Jindrak and Batista have never beaten them, and that they've had enough of being overlooked. Flair laughed off the notion of them being worthy challengers, and claimed that Josh the Cat isn't the kind of pussy he intends to waste his time on. Josh the Cat suggested that was most likely because he doesn't have lice, which sent Flair into a rage. The Shithouses admitted that they may not have the traditional qualities of champions, but embraced the fact that they were the Tiger drivin', Falcon flyin', lap lyin' ferocious felines about to make a beeline for the World Tag Team Titles. Flair, perhaps infuriated at being mimicked, agreed to give The Shithouses a shot at the gold. He added that the team would make for a good warm-up before the fourteenth Fest for The New Guard, going as far to suggest that they know some ladies who might appreciate new fur coats. The Shithouses have been unsuccessful in any past attempts to become World Tag Team Champions. However, years of being held down by dominate teams like The New Guard has seemingly lit a fire within the tenacious tandem. Will the ultimate underdogs have their day or will The New Guard maintain their post at the gates of the tag team division? Tajiri has had a resurgence in popularity since capturing the Hardcore Championship at Dr. Meinheimer. While the title reign has drawn the eyes of fans, it has also resulted in capturing the eye of Torrie Wilson. The two began an unlikely courtship, but the relationship would becoming progressively strained due to Tajiri's constant fear of being ambushed and dethroned as Hardcore Champion. To resolve their romantic issues, the couple sought out the counseling services of Dr. Steven Richards. While the sessions were positive for Torrie, Tajiri would continue to feel paranoid that Dr. Richards had ulterior motives. His suspicions were increased even further whenever Richards suggested a radical form of therapy in which the two would compete for Tajiri's championship, the idea being that his patient's irrational fear of losing his title was interlinked with his fear of losing Torrie. While Dr. Richards claimed that his only motivation was allowing Tajiri to face his fears head on, Tajiri was more than skeptical. Patient-doctor confidentiality is going out the window, along with the rules, as Tajiri defends the Hardcore Championship against Dr. Steven Richards. Will this unorthodox method of therapy work wonders for Tajiri's love life or will Dr. Richards be writing his patient a script for pain medication once the night is over? Had you asked El Muchachos before Laugh Like Pee-wee, they would have told you that Diaz's Fuck Fest would have looked more like MuchachoMania this year. Unfortunately for the duo, Carlito was the first man eliminated from the 30-man bout and Chavo Guerrero never managed to enter the match as planned. Carlito suggested that MuchachoMania was cancelled due to having an unreliable partner until he received word that Chavo had fallen ill before the match. While Carlito was sympathetic and came to his partner's aid, he admitted that it would be in both of their best interests if they were to go their separate ways. With Carlito on his own once again, he set his sights on making 2018 a career renaissance by becoming the first man to win a tag team and singles Money in the Bank Ladder match. While Carlito was beginning his road to the Fest, Chavo was on the road to recovery. Guerrero returned to inform Carlito that he had a vision while in the hospital, a vision of a deceased warrior of the Guerrero legacy. The face that appeared before him was Pepe, who Chavo claimed inhabited his soul and infused him with horsepower to nurse him back to health. While Carlito was confused, he welcomed back his longtime friend and partner but Chavo cut the celebration short to share something else with him. He claimed that Pepe informed him that it was the "lucky" apple that Carlito had given him before Laugh Like Pee-wee that caused him to be hospitalized. Cornered by both Guerrero and the spectral horse, Carlito admitted to his transgression but ultimately blamed Chavo for holding him back from being on top again. Chavo was broken by his friend's betrayal, but he didn't mourn long before putting his new horseshoe-rimmed boots to Carlito. Now half Pepe, Chavo Guerrero will take on his former partner Carlito as the bad blood between the muchachos spills over. Will a victory by Chavo sway SvR06 management's faith in placing him in the Money in the Bank Ladder match or will Carlito take the galloping Guerrero to the glue factory? Results It can be hell trying to get to heaven, and the pearly gates to Diaz’s Fuck Fest are lined with two miles of chain. For six competitors, the road to the fourteenth Fest intersected with the ominous prison known as the Elimination Chamber. For others, they’d have to thwart smoke-bellowing dragons to pave their path to the gold they desired. Every combatant has their own ideal fairytale ending on the grandest stage, but it’s on this stage where they must first come face-to-face with reality. In the first of three matches that would conclusively determine the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIV, The Shark teamed up with manager Walter P. Wiley to take on Dynamite Derek and DEFAULT. Faced with a showdown between himself and the youngest Wiley, Walter immediately denied DEFAULT and the audience the satisfaction by tagging in The Shark. The carnivorous sea-dweller has been a force to be reckoned with for both of his opponents in the past, but their combined strength allowed the decorated combination to battle back to the point that Walter was once again brought back into the contest. Ultimately, it was Walter’s reinsertion that allowed Dynamite Derek to land a Boom Goes The Dynamite on The Shark’s faithful manager to secure his place in the Fest’s World Heavyweight Championship match. In a backstage corridor, Batista prepared for The New Guard’s title defense when he was approached by a disgruntled Brock Lesnar. The Beast informed The Animal that he owed him for the sneak attack that The New Guard delivered to him before Laugh Like Pee-wee. Rather than address the confrontation, Batista instead chose to dismiss Lesnar with some ill-advised comments about him and his wife. This sent Lesnar into a rage, suplexing Batista repeatedly onto the concrete floor before planting him with an earth-shattering F5. In what could best be described as a grudge match, Chavo Guerrero looked to get even with his former Muchacho, Carlito. The dastardly Carlito attempted to take a cheap shot early on, but Chavo telegraphed it thanks to his newly-obtained heightened senses. With the departed Pepe’s essence now infused with his own, Chavo’s brand of horsepower made him more formidable than ever. This newfound intensity was on full display when Guerrero managed power his way back from Carlito’s patented Backstabber. However, the clever Carlito managed to take advantage of Chavo’s overzealous thirst for vengeance when he strung him up on the ropes and followed with another befitting Backstabber for the victory. In Commissioner Barkley’s office, New Guard manager Ric Flair demanded that tonight’s tag team title match with The Shithouses be called off due to Batista’s inability to compete. Barkley acknowledged Batista’s condition, but informed The Nature Boy that he couldn’t call off a championship match on such short notice. As an alternative, Barkley suggested that Flair find another partner for Mark Jindrak to defend the World Tag Team Championship with. Brock Lesnar looked to obtain retribution from last year’s Fest by taking on the half of The Kings of Crime that defeated him, The Kingpin. Much like last year’s bout, the recently “resurrected” Ricardo Diaz was close by to ensure victory for his partner in crime. The Kingpin’s size advantage once again took Lesnar out of his element, but not enough to prevent Fisk from visiting Suplex City. While the massive master of disaster initially seemed too large to hoist up for the F5, the opportunity would eventually present itself in bizarre fashion when Ricardo Diaz appeared to make a grab for Lesnar’s foot but managed to trip up Kingpin instead. Regardless of the circumstances, Lesnar seemed sufficiently satisfied in his goal to remind everyone why he’s The Beast. After numerous bizarre therapy sessions regarding his special ladyfriend Torrie Wilson, Tajiri put his Hardcore Championship on the line against Dr. Steven Richards. Throughout the bout, Richards would shout at Tajiri that losing the title was in his best interests if he doesn’t want to lose Torrie. Eventually, Torrie herself had heard enough and struck Dr. Richards to allow Tajiri the opening to retain the championship. After the controversial way Chance eliminated Goldberg to win the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, the two would finally come face-to-face to determine who was officially going to the main event of the Fest. Before Chance could even devise a strategy, the ferocious Goldberg exploded out of the gate. After tossing Chance from pillar to post, Goldberg looked to lock in his championship opportunity with a devastating spear. However, once back on his feet, he felt an unfamiliar breath on the back of his neck. When he turned, he was met by the face of the snarling Shark. With his intentions perfectly clear, Goldberg initiated a back-and-forth battle with the behemoth that would see the two spill out of the ring and nearly into the crowd. Left with no other choice, the referee counted Goldberg out and declared Chance the victor, officially comprising two-thirds of the Fest main event. The question of who Mark Jindrak would find to be his tag team partner against The Shithouses was revealed whenever Ric Flair styled and profiled his way to the ring in his combat gear. Given who their opponents were, Jindrak and Flair toyed with Josh the Cat like a ball of yarn. Playing up the theatrics, Flair hesitated to put the challengers away by instead opting to humiliate them to the best of his ability. What the ring veteran didn’t account for was an opportune hot tag that brought Jushin Tiger into the match-up. Infuriated at watching his partner be ridiculed, Tiger hit the ring with tremendous momentum. After planting The Nature Boy with a Tiger Bomb, Jushin Tiger hooked Flair’s leg for the three-count to earn The Shithouses their very-first World Tag Team Championship. In one of the most unusual World Heavyweight Championship matches in history, The Red Head put the title on the line against the man accusing the champion of being an impostor, The Red Head. The two mirror images almost seemed to know what the other was thinking as they countered each other’s holds with expert precision. The two opponents seemed to have a nearly identical arsenal as well. That was until the champion Red Head broke out a very familiar looking kick to defeat the challenger. Not only will the defeated Red Head be forced to unmask, but the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIV is now official. It will be The Red Head defending the World Heavyweight Championship in a Triple Threat match against Chance and Dynamite Derek. The dreaded Elimination Chamber descended from the skies, preparing to house six hopefuls in purgatory all for the right to call themselves Intercontinental Champion. Kicking off the contest in a fast-paced showcase were Chris Jericho and Rob Van Dam. The first time the buzzer went off to signal the entry of another competitor, Rob Conway joined the fray. Each time a pod would open, Chris Jericho would look over his shoulder in preparation of when “Macho Man” Randy Savage would be unleashed upon the match. The second competitor to be released from their pod was Damaged Wing, who helped even the odds for his ally RVD. Jericho mocked Savage through the sanctuary of Lexan glass, but immediately regretted his decision when the next pod to open was that of the Macho Man’s. Savage immediately pounced Jericho, attempting to get his hands on the Canuckster for months. After flinging him through one of the pod doors, Macho Man pinned Jericho to earn the first elimination of the Chamber. Shortly thereafter, Sheamus entered last as Van Dam disposed of Conway with a Five-Star Frog Splash from the top of a pod. With Sheamus being the freshest man in the match, all eyes turned on him as the Celtic Warrior eventually fell victim to the odds. With the alliance between Damaged Wing and Rob Van Dam proving successful, things looked dire for Macho Man. That was until Wing took his moment to pay Van Dam back for eliminating him in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, as he’d previously promised to do. Both battle-worn combatants gave everything they had to capture the vacant title, but it was the finality of Macho Man’s signature elbow drop onto the steel floor that earned him the coveted Intercontinental Championship for the second time.